Up With Felines

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I had what seemed like a good idea for a post, at 4:00 this morning when once again I couldn’t sleep. I can’t remember what it was now. My dear grandfather used to say, “Must have been a lie,” when I couldn’t remember something. In this case, “Must have been so banal and inconsequential that my brain filed it in the Do Not Retrieve bucket.”

On that note, it’s one thing to be kept awake by a baby — whose job it is to keep people up at night. It’s quite another to be juussst at that point of drifting off to that place that’s not quite sleep but also isn’t the constant yammering of your brain, that dreamscape where your thoughts get a little Alice in Wonderland, and instead of dropping down into the rabbit hole you end up squarely back where you started because of your two whining, extremely annoying cats. Neither of whom are Cheshire.

Poor Peter. He’s been getting up at 5:30 for years (years!) because of them. Well, mainly because of the big one, Yoshi, who never seems to get the fact that cats in the wild only eat once a day. No, Yoshi gets breakfast, dinner and a bedtime snack (it’s the only way we can control his weight), and feels strongly that his first meal should be as early as possible in the morning. And Pete has this weird thing: if he wakes up and then dozes, he gets fuzzy-headed all day and can’t write. So getting up and going back to sleep is not really an option for him.

The cats started in around 4:30, both of them this time, keeping me awake and worrying that Rei was going to wake up. At 4:40 I poked (shoved) Pete and made him get up. I was already exhausted from the night before, when, after agonizing about the end of my (very generous) maternity leave (aside: parents in the U.S.? The six-week thing is barbaric. It should be a human rights issue.), I lay there making packing and to-do lists for our upcoming trip home and even turned on my iPhone to get them out of my head and instead just kept coming up with more things to add.

Rei got up at 6:30 today and wouldn’t go back down, and has been a complete mess all morning. We both blame Yoshi and slightly resent Ben, who’s too dim to realize what he’s doing. Yoshi’s just somehow malicious about the whole thing. Perhaps Rei’s 12-week growth spurt is the problem? More fun to pin it on the cat. He just looks guilty.

I never want to tell people that our baby is such a good sleeper, lest I incur the Wrath of the Sleep-Deprived Parent. But while Reiden may sleep through the night, our cats most certainly do not.

PS: She also hates napping anywhere but on me and prefers that I am in constant motion in a standing position. No rocking chair nonsense for us, folks. Feel Sorry For Me Now!

Three Months, Almost

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That’s how old Rei will be soon. In just a few days. Four days. In four days, she’ll be three months old.

This is why I couldn’t sleep last night.

Almost immediately after Rei was born, I started to miss work. Badly. I texted work people, asking what they were doing. I checked email (and I am the type of person who never checks email when away from work; who thinks working on vacation is a form of self-loathing; who has never been defined by a job). I even contemplated asking if there was something I could do, some little project I could help with while working remotely, with no deadlines and the understanding that as long as my baby kept insisting on being held all day long, I’d probably never get the work done and sorry, what was I thinking? I mean, I really MISSED it, in this yearning, pathetic sort of way.

Somehow, my brain had compartmentalized my baby and my work. I was happy, ecstatic, in love with my little girl. I also missed my old life. And one did not cancel out the other.

But last night (or early this morning, rather), after I nursed Rei and she went back to sleep, I realized she would be three months on Monday. I almost bolted upright before remembering how noisy our comforter is. I would have gone downstairs to cry if I could have done it without risking her waking up. Because…three months. Which means, if I go back to work at nine months as planned, I only have six months left of this. Two-thirds left. A measly two-thirds.

I never registered that working would mean I wouldn’t be spending my days with her. And nine months seemed like such a long time off. I’d be ready to go back by then. I’d be bored. I’d be dying to be something other than a mom.

But dates and definitions can distance you from reality, from feelings. Thing is, I expected to love my daughter. I didn’t expect to like her so much already, to enjoy her company, to feel such a kinship with her. My days are hard, to be sure, much harder than any job ever was. They’re not always fun and sometimes they full-on suck. But it’s what I do. It’s what I do for her.

I’m with her, all the time. And today I can hardly contemplate not being with her.

When I finally fell back to sleep this morning, I dreamed I went back to work, Rei in tow. I had to cross a river to get to the office. My cat Yoshi got lost in the woods. In the foyer was an old frozen yogurt machine. No one knew who I was. It was the kind of dream where you’re in a bizarro world; a place that’s real but not real.

Except for Reiden, in my arms. The one thing that made perfect sense.

Autocorrect

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Sometimes, when waiting for a web page to load on my phone, I find myself staring at the address bar, annoyed that the Reader feature hasn’t popped up yet. Where are you, Reader? What’s wrong? Should I leave and come back? Do you need some, err, privacy?

I sit there, willing it to appear, refusing to acknowledge that I can easily read the text by looking at the ACTUAL PAGE. That’s right there. In front of me.

This won’t make sense to anyone who doesn’t use the Reader. Or have it. Do all phones have it? Is it a Safari-on-the-iPhone-only thing? I’m too lazy to look it up. But it’s AWESOME. You can read anything on any page and see just the text, without graphics or ads or anything to distract you! All pages look the same! It’s somehow…comforting.

Also, why does my iPhone correct words that aren’t wrong in the first place? Why “find” instead of “fund”? “Now” instead of “bow”? I mean I know why, but still.

These two things are not related.

I do, however, love it when it corrects to “Rei”. Because, well, her. She’s a word now. I typed her name and she became a word in my phone. Everything should autocorrect to Rei.

REI REI REI REI REI. Best word in the world.

Chitchat

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As of today, Rei is “talking” at the level of a 5-month-old, maybe older. She strings sounds together and babbles at herself in the mirror. She says “Ahgoo,” a 5-month milestone. She had a full-on conversation with me tonight, with new sounds pouring out as we sat and watched. Vowels. Consonants. Different tones. She isn’t even three months old.

I’m no expert in language development or baby cognition, but it seems like the only thing stopping her from full-on talking is her mouth getting the words out right. Clearly, she’s a genius. Apparently there’s some baby in England who was doing some form of talking at six months…to whom I say: oh it’s ON.

Of course, she has yet to show anything but the slightest interest in objects, and doesn’t seem to be even remotely aware that she has feet. And fine motor skills, not so much yet. (Oh! But she can bear all her weight on her legs! Another early development!) But I still say she’s gifted. Right? Hello?

I know all babies develop at different rates. But Rei, if this is any indication of what you’re going to be like, I hope you enjoy being a debate team champ who can’t play video games. (Because of joysticks. Do they still use joysticks?)

(Never mind. Cough. Wonder where she gets it from.)